A meaningless world engenders fear.
I am upset because if the world I am seeing is meaningless, that can only mean my annihilation, or the end of the ego which I seem to be remarkably identified with.
I am upset because I (ego-centric me) am trying my best to stay in control of my world.
My upset increases when I recognize that not matter how I attempt to stay in control of my world, I can never be in control of it.
I only “think” I’m in charge but the reality is that I can never win the fight to stay in control.
I am beginning to see that my ego’s fight to stay in charge is a meaningless fight.
Emotions are all over the place now. This lesson is unsettling to me.
It is hard to conceive of anything but my separation from God or love.
The truth, however, is that when one is as strongly identified with the ego as I appear to be, it is incredibly upsetting to learn that is not who I am after all!
How does one suddenly toss out a lifetime experience of being this identity?
Who will I be without my ego?
I cannot imagine at all, so attached am I to this sole existence.
The thought makes it feel like my death is imminent.
But here is where I need to take a step away from thinking more of these fear-inducing meaningless thoughts.
I can go to the Holy Spirit for guidance.
He whispers in my ear that I am to be gentle with myself. He reassures me, telling me that despite whatever thoughts and identifications I have made in the past, I am free in any new moment to make a different choice.
No matter how long I have been wrong-minded, my mind can instantly change the moment I remember to give my mistaken thoughts to the Holy Spirit for Purification and Transformation.
Regardless of how much fear I carry with me, regardless of the terror that is probably about to surface from its long ago buried cave, I am free to go to the Holy Spirit in my mind who waits for me to do just this.
I may beat myself up for the times that I forget to go to my companion. He is forever patient, however, and is always there when I do remember to go to Him.
Love is patient, love is kind.
But at the moment it is difficult to feel anything but the fear and despair that offers me an illusory refuge.